Thursday, August 28, 2008

Glover Takes it to the Man!


In an unprecedented move, Michael Glover has filed a lawsuit against the NCAA and the BIG EAST Conference after being declared, once again, ineligible to play basketball. Glover, who was one of the top power forwards to come out of the 2007 class, had high hopes to finally suit up for the Pirates after sitting out his freshman year.

After being ruled academically ineligible at the start of the 2007-2008 season, Glover enrolled at Seton Hall even though he was not granted a scholarship. While his Econ and English scores might not be that great, Political Science definitely looks like a potential major as Glover as skillfully maneuvered his way up the ranks of the American judicial system (Big Ups Ms. Newman!)

Also, Glover just so happens to file his lawsuit on the 45th anniversary of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” speech - what a perfect time indeed to challenge this nation’s morals and beliefs.

Stay tuned for any low speed vehicle chases a la OJ and for further news on the Neon Keon front.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Sports of all Sorts

By now, you all know the drill. Dave and I are completely obsessed with Seton Hall basketball. It’s all we dream about. It’s all we talk about. But there are times when we get so immersed in hoops that we can forget about the wonderful diversity of sports that exist out there.

With the Olympics very much on our mind, Dave and I decided to get a little taste for ourselves. So we trekked to the heart of this literal melting pot we call New York City: the great lawn.

Below is a list of all the different sports we observed today, with a brief description of each. Just a word of caution: many of these sports are highly unusual, never before seen.

And without further ado… May the games begin!!


Ultimate Linus

The rules of Ultimate Linus are simple: there are no rules. And if there are, Linus is probably the only person who understands them.

At the age of 51, Linus isn’t exactly the fastest man on the field. But don’t let that fool you. Known around the park as the “Chief Rabbi of Frisbee” or simply “Crazy Linus,” this man is probably the single greatest athlete I’ve ever observed. With the champion spirit of Michael Phelps combined with the showiness of Pistol Pete, Linus dazzled all audiences with a remarkable array of tricks, including his patented triple head spin into a reverse Angela Lansbury scissor kick.

Linus, your moves were absolutely insane. I can only hope one day to rock out with the disc like you.


Binghamton Tennis

We got nauseous pretty quickly watching Linus, so Dave and I decided to sit down. It was then that we engaged in a little game of Binghamton Tennis, with a girl we met in a beautiful red dress.

Unlike real tennis, Binghamton doesn’t require a racquet, net, balls or a court. Instead, you simply volley back and forth the names of different acquaintances that graduated from SUNY Binghamton a la the name game.

Sadly, she didn’t know anyone we knew, which immediately sort of discredited her. However, when she revealed that she was a Division 1 tennis player out of the America East Conference, and had majored in English, a discipline close to my heart, let’s just say she scored some serious points.

Can you say cross-court winner!!?!?!?

Dear lady in red… I would seriously love to play tennis with you. If you’re reading this, email me at bpurkert@gmail.com and we’ll set up a time. Also, if you’re reading this, please click on the Google ads above, because when you do, Dave and I earn 12 cents.


Duct Tape Toss

Some people throw footballs. Others throw baseballs. And after watching Linus for five hours in 90-degree heat, you’re pretty much guaranteed to throw up on your own chest.

But that was nothing compared to the Duct Tape Toss. A truly astounding innovation combining advanced aeronautics physics and your average hardware store, the Duct Tape Toss is a sport of unbelievable skill. The objective? See if you can toss the duct tape as hard as you possibly can, narrowly avoiding the unsuspecting Jeff “Pirate Bay” Woglum who is sitting a mere twenty feet away.


Walking the Plank

A game of amazing concentration, this sport is all about focus. To win, you have to stare at a softball backstop while you bravely step forward into a disgusting puddle of mud. Ten points if you get your toes dirty. Fifteen points for the entire foot. And a mind-boggling fifty points if you actually lose your Rainbow sandal in the muck!!

Pirate Bay blew away the competition in this event. Unfortunately, this would turn out to be a pyrrhic victory – his foot would ultimately need to be amputated due to the countless diseases he would later contract. So I ask you, PBay, is winning really everything??

Well, that’s all for now… Keep posted for news about Seton Hall as the preseason wears on.